Announcing my retirement from marathon running

I'm sure those who know me well are wondering how they missed my great marathon career now that I am on the verge of retirement?

Well, I trained for marathons.

Kind of.

I ran to the mailbox when it was cold or raining.
I also had the hazy goal of someday running a marathon and taking those cool pictures afterwards where arms are stretched up into the air in a victory move. On second thought, I could actually take those pictures without running the marathon and as I get older and more forgetful I might actually forget I never ran further than aforementioned mailbox.

Upon learning recently that marathoners routinely lose their toenails (after the toenails turn a lovely black hue), I have regretfully ended my marathon aspirations.

You see, I LOVE my toenails.
No, they're not especially beautiful or special, and sometimes they have a propensity to become ingrown, but toenails are one part of my aging body that:

won't gain weight when I inhale too many hot fudge sundaes

won't sag like other body parts that I am perpetually trying raise to their former status

won't turn gray (as long as I stay off the marathon circuit) requiring expensive dye treatments

won't blur or require special equipment just to read

The list goes on and on but sharing further details about my aging body might become just a little too much information (TMI) for your reading pleasure.

While the time has come for me to retire, I will never forget the amazing experiences I had while running to the mailbox and pondering future marathon runs. I wish all remaining marathoners the best of luck and good podiatrists.